one of those days...

You can spot the signs a mile a way. Watery eyes, dark circles and hair so disheveled you'd think it hadn't seen a brush in days. Yoga pants, check. Nursing tank, check. And if you look hard enough, you may spot it-the vice. A glass of wine, a piece of chocolate or my personal favorite-a huge piece of fresh french bread with a nice thick layer of soft, silky butter.

Yes, you are looking at a mom who has had a very, very long day. 

Today was "just one of those days". My poor chiquita had been up nearly every hour to hour and a half since 3 a.m (after going to bed around 10) and couldn't nap right all day. She nursed good once and every other time she stiffened up, pulled away, clawed at me, screamed and cried...then nursed a little while later for maybe 8-10 minutes. The girl can usually go for 20+!

And as I tried to put her down for naps, she woke up. Put her down, woke up. Laid her down to play in her little gym, cried. Put her down to change her diaper-sobbed.

My poor baby. I shushed, I sang, I hummed and rocked. I patted, stroked, bathed and nursed. Nothing worked. 

And then-she finally passed out around 9:40 pm....and she's been asleep for about an hour and I pray for another 5 at least!

At the end of a day like this-all I can feel is guilt. I wanted to badly to soothe her, comfort her and calm her. My little love bug. When nothing will work, then come the water works. All I can do is have compassion for my baby girl. She can't tell me whats wrong or what she wants. And in my thoughts and sometimes aloud I beg: JUST TELL ME TINY PERSON!!! WHAT IS WRONG?!!

...And then, the calm...she's asleep...I'm alone for a few minutes and I cry..I feel so, so bad that she has had a tough day. I'm worn out. I'm re-playing it all in my head. It hits me just then-I miss her. I always miss her when she's down for the night. I stare at the monitor as she is finally asleep and I know in my heart-SHE IS OKAY. 

I give myself a break. My baby is just fine. It just happened to be one of those days. One of those lonnnnng days.

So mama, if you've ever had a day like mine, take a couple of big sighs, cry if you need to and then muster up what you have left and smile. That little thing that keeps you within an inches of your sanity sometimes is a breathing miracle. Or-at the very least-tommorrow is a do over :)

our little family :)

so in love...

she's here! mayah's birth story

...she's finally here...

Now I know this is a little late, but recovering from a c-section reeeaallly messes with your time frame for getting stuff done! Ha!

wow.

here is mayah's birth story...

After two back to back losses in 2011, my pregnancy with Mayah was surprisingly and amazingly healthy. I was so so grateful. God blessed us out of no where with a long and healthy pregnancy and by his grace, she was born full term, healthy and is absolutely perfect!

At week 34 I was told baby girl was breech. My heart sank. I know the breech presentation is just a variation of a baby's position and baby wasn't in any harm...BUT-what I also knew was breech=c-section. I was terrified of a c-section. For months Chris and I had prayed and read scripture and key books concerning a natural and med free birth. It's all I had planned. So as the appointments came and went and Mayah wasn't turning, I grew more anxious. I tried for those last few weeks to flip her on our own (I didn't want to do a version). I stalked spinningbabies.com, saw a chiropractor who was certified in the Webster Technique, I did inversions and pelvic tilts like no bodies business. 

Nada.

She wasn't turning...I begged God to let her turn, I coaxed Mayah, "please funny..turn love, turn.." I became obsessed, stressed and was at my wits end. I didn't want surgery. I didn't want the spinal. I wanted immediate skin to skin and delayed cord clamping and no meds....but she wouldn't turn. Chris tried to help me see that in the end, everything would happen just as it should no matter how she was placed. We decided to stand on God's word and his promises. God knew our hearts, he knew what I most desired birth wise and what we had hoped for. We decided to stand on all of that and know that IF Mayah wasn't going to turn, then God didn't want her to. IF she wouldn't turn, she wasn't supposed to. Maybe if she DID turn, something would go wrong with the cord and something even worse could happen. Maybe God was protecting our baby with not letting her turn. 

I had planned to work until my due date...Chris wanted me to leave work as soon as January turned to February..we settled in the middle and February 8th was my last day of work-at 39 weeks exactly. That would give me a week before she came to just be home, finish her room, relax finally..

That Thursday Chris left for one of our biggest events with our youth, the winter event (AMMO Conference) and my sister had planned to stay with me while he was out of town. Of all the weekends for me to go into labor this was the ONE we prayed I wouldn't...

About 40 minutes after I got home, I finally sat on the couch to watch some t.v and felt a tiny gush. A few seconds later, another small gush.

No...this cannot be happening...

Just then my sister got to my house, I met her at her car and told her those infamous words, "I think my water broke" I call labor and delivery and they tell me to go in. Between getting everything together to leave and driving there I felt a few more gushes. I had called Chris and told him not to leave yet until I was sure it was my water. He was about three hours away and I didn't want to cause a stir if it was nothing. But deep down, I knew this was happening. I was in such denial. This wasn't what I had pictured at all..breech baby, for sure c-section, husband out of town and her room wasn't even done.

We got to the hospital and was told that it would be a little bit before the doctor could check me. I called Chris and told him he should probably come; he was already on his way :)

The doctor finally checked me, I was contracting and my water had in fact broke. I was told I had to wait about 6-8 hours to have the procedure because I had eaten a big meal just before my water broke and I thanked God. Because of that, we were able to wait for Chris to get to the hospital. 

Chris finally arrived just as contractions started to pick up. At about five hours into labor I was at the point of breathing and working through some of the contractions. Laboring med free without being able to change positions, stand up, use a birth ball or basically be in any position but my back was irritating to say the least. On top of that, I couldn't eat, drink water or even suck on ONE piece of ice..nothing. So, I labored med free for nearly seven hours before the doctor said everyone was ready and it was time to go! Chris did amazing helping me through the contractions. In the midst of the intense contractions and the impending c-section, my brain was somewhere else and I forgot to ask to be checked to see how far a long I was. I knew it wouldn't matter in terms of the surgery but I really was curious to see how dilated I was. Darn!

I hated every part of the c-section process...the anesthesiologist took about three tries to get the spinal done (she it a nerve twice and my right leg jumped/twitched involuntarily, it hurt so much!) Being THAT numb in so much of my body was the weirdest feeling. Between the oxygen, all the nurses and doctors, that blue curtain, the cold room and bright lights I just wanted to see my baby...

I heard someone say, "there she is!" and all I could hear were voices talking..no baby crying. I heard Chris start to cry and say, "Oh my gosh babe, there she is! She's beautiful, she's perfect. She's here babe." I kept asking where she was, why wasn't she crying? Where is she? Where's my baby? I felt as if I was yelling and no one was answering, Chris said later that I was just barely whispering. I guess between not being able to have ANY water the entire time I was at the hospital and having the oxygen mask on my voice wasn't what I thought it was. Finally out of the corner of my eye, there she was...there was this little person I had known for the last 39 weeks...I could finally look upon her face and kiss those hands and feet...she was here...our miracle baby, our biggest little blessing..she was here.

I was able to see and kiss her really quick while still on the table and then couldn't hold her for over an hour after she was out. But when I finally did...it was as if I was meant to do that my whole life. Recovery was tough, a c-section is no joke! I have a lot to post about a recovery from a c-section, all the issues I faced right away with breast feeding (engorgement, thrush/yeast, etc) and just taking care of a newborn in general but thats for another day....

Here's a glimpse of that day... 

her going home outfit...couldn't resist..this one had to be in color! ;)

grey/yellow printables: nursery

These would go great with a white, grey or silver frame! I would love to make 2 more to go so that three to four could be placed together side by side...my brain is stuck! A pale pink with the grey and "S is for Samantha" would look awful cute for a baby girl! If you would like these, just email me for the png file! For customized work please email me as well :)

 

The Olivia Act

I will be participating in "The Olivia Act". It was started by a photographer who did a photo session of one of six-year-old Olivia & her family shortly before they lost her in the Connecticut shootings. In her honor, "The Olivia Act" encourages photographers to give out a free portrait session to a special family who is nominated...and for this special cause, I will be accepting nominations for a teacher & his/her family and/or a family who has a sick child to receive a free session. The purpose of this is to give a family the opportunity to have photos captured because you never know when they will be the last ones. Olivia's family will forever cherish the photos they had taken.

The nominations can be emailed to kristinaavilaphotography@yahoo.com ...Please include the nominees name, email &/or phone and an explanation of why you think they could be blessed by a free session. I will chose a family by the end of the year and announce the winner new years day for a spring/summer session as I am due with my first baby February 2013 and will take some time of to be a new mommy :)

Thank you & prayers for Olivia's family and all of the Sandy Hook victims ♥

Please "like" the photography page so that you can "like" and share this status with others!

pinch me

The more I look at the picture the more in love with it I am...

 

I feel insanely blessed to be able to share something like this..because this is what I have prayed for for years..

 

In order to take a picture like this...with a baby bump...I needed to be pregnant. I needed to be far a long enough...and now I am.

 

I love how it is so centered on us & at the same time all about that baby bump...I take pride in that. It gives me joy & those warm fuzzies people talk about...

 

Our precious daughter is in there...and in about 10 1/2 more weeks we get to see her beautiful face.

 

I cannot wait...I can't wait to snuggle with her..kiss her fingers and toes...just stare at her...

 

blessed.

 

humbled.

 

overjoyed.

 

ready.

 

***





(the rest of the holiday card pics coming soon! and from my baby showers 1 &2)

#sucker

The last few weeks..no months-really, I have been keeping myself insanely busy...what with working full time, school full time (online), trying to see my family when I can, photography part time (my weekends!!) etc...I am tired a lot of the time.

oh...wait--I'm missing something..OH YES! I am also pregnant. "Second-trimester-going-on-third" THIS FIRDAY pregnant..........

Let me tell you. I have never in my life been so busy and never in my life have I known sheer exhausion like the eye numbing, brain stopping, so-tired-I-can-fall-asleep-on-the-cold-bathroom-floor exhaustion that comes with pregnancy. I am trying to grow a human here people. Work with me. This child, whom I so dearly am fully in love with already-is naturally stealing all of my nutrients and therefore leaving me to pray my daily diet and prenatal pills fill the voids.

Enter, today. For the last three nights I have been up past midnight each night. Now before you go and scold me about staying up WAY too late, being a bad little pregnant woman etc. know that #1) there is such a thing as having sheer exhaustion during the day and then awesome "pregsomnia" yes, pregnancy insomnia-at night. #2) I've already heard it all the last few days so it wouldn't be anything new anyway. My husband in particular tries his best to help me get to bed on time, but you know what sometimes it just aint gonna happen. Or I lay there for about 40 minutes and then just get up and wait to get tired. True story.

Today, after abot five and half hours of sleep I slept in as LATE as possible all while still being able to make it to work on time. I have absolutely no earthly reason for how that happened but it did and on Thankful Thursday I am thankful that it did. And that my alarm actually works. We are having friends over tonight for dinner and I took some chicken out to defrost so that I can speed through cooking AND trying to clean up the condo before they all arrive. (I read somewhere that you never get more cleaning done around the house than in the 15 minutes before someone pops over-so true.) Rosanna, if you are reading this--I know you know what I'm talkin about...I still can't wait to hang!

Being the awesomely "sharp" person that I am I forget to tell my husband to please put the chicken in the fridge as I left it in the sink filled with water to defrost a bit that way. Here comes 11:00 am and my heart sinks......I left the friggin chicken in the sink defrosting. It needs to go in the fridge. Awesome. Hubby isn't going home for lunch. Guess who is? It literally takes me my entire lunch hour just to get there and back..now I have something to actually DO when I get home before I come back to work-challenge accepted.

I finally get home, walk in the door and instantly my body relaxes. Not good. I call out for my dog and head to the kitchen. I get the chicken (still cold, don't worry you wont get salmonella poisoning...I don't think....anyway) I get it in the fridge, grab something I left at home and sneak to the bedroom. There lays Sampson..in our bed...lazy as can be barely mustering up the energy to turn his furry little head my way. I lay down with him and tell myself "only 2 minutes. That's it. You still need to get gas." Two precious minutes FLY by and I realize I need to get up to go. In that moment I begin to resent my dog with every fiber of my being. Dang dog gets to stay home all day and sleep. I need to leave. Now....... But I am already home. I was so close to calling work, letting them know I have been having a tough morning (which I have been, Mayah must me redecorating in there) and need to just stay home for the rest of the day. It took everything in me to not strip down to my oh-so-attractive pregnant version of what are supposed to be "undergarments" and climb into bed. EVERYTHING.

...everything...

I stood there. Played out how this could go in my head and realized: "the workin' man IS a sucker DAD!" (props to you if you can tell me where THAT is from.)

I am a sucker. I never really would have done it. I just can't do that. So guess what. I came back. To work.

 

Yay me. Yay-freaking-me.

 

 

 

 

 

#responsible